Lightning fast insanity..2nd edition

Uuhh..that was fast. I told ya, it never ends! These feelings that come & go so quickly are not always fun, but yeah, for some strange, unknown and misunderstood reason….I love this two-sided life. It just sucks that it’s so freakin insane that it’s actually quite normal….to “understand’/ have the ability to identify with it, feel like your absolutley out of your mind and not part of what’s accepted, yet at the same time, be able to control it..control as in being able to maintain ‘composure’ in everyday life and social interactions. When your own family drops you for attitudes and behaviors that’s not what I am now, when after having countless Psych. “pros.”, therapies..etc…. all trying to figure out what’s wrong with me and keep on attempting to diagnose me with some fuckin mental disorder and “encouraging” me to accept my ‘situation’ of being of limited capacity, after every fuckin pill they tried out on me to “assist” me in remaining a fuckin vegatable…simply due to the “fact”, that they themselves don’t know what there fuckin doin, and are so messed up themselves that they “overcame”/repressed their own life history, studied, schooled themselves, obtained a prestigious degree and then it’s like ok, were the qualified ones in life to help the less fortunate and mental cases. well, as judge-mental(hehe), as this sounds, there’s actually no hate behind these words, sad, frustrating…because we all have some fuckin issues from childhood/adolesence/family life….that’s normal, how else would we learn? What freaks me right the fuck out now that I see it “clearly”, is that when were young, ok, we follow what’s goin on around us..we really don’t know how cold and hippicritical this world is, were somewhat more “naive” and believe what were told and taught. Ok, that’s all fine, but when it dawns on you that your only a bi-polar, personality disorder, skitzoid..etc…because you allow the qualified profeesionals to decide for you what you are in life…and what you can never change….I’m like FUCK YOU! Yeah, Fuck You, this is not really even as much about me now, as it is about what a major epidemic of absolute fuckin bullshit it contributes..and we allow it..because it’s the greater majority. What’s funny, and not at the  same time, is that that after beingbounced around from doctor to doctor, institution to instituion, about 20 suicide attempts, more meds than a teenager should even be given… all originating at the age of 11 or so because the family didn’t know what to do with me..I’ve identified with and exhausted pretty much all the psychiatric disorders “available”. Now, how fuckin crazy can you be, when after all that insanity, you kinda snap outta it and realise you can’t be any of these things because they ain’t what I really am..there experiences, feelings, whatever. Now, don’t get me wrong here..i didn’t just snap outta it with my own natural genious!!…After all that, I went into a a L.S.D. program(Life skills development), in dec. of 02, thinking it was another traditional rehab where I could hide for the winter because that’s when the loneyliness was the worst, and of course the miserable cold and hopelessness and denial of laziness to get it togeather instead of blaming the world for my unfortunate circumstances. Well, finally, I found someone who, still pisses me right off & vice versa…who freakin cares. A caring that I’m now starting to comprehend, and a tough one to swallow, but this man, a rogue as he claims, has got a system of “social welfare’ so fuckin incredible, complicated, contradictory, aggrivating, challanging and downright fucking shocking…that it works. This ain’t no place to go to be babied and carried in order to protect your delusions of being sick and inadequate. He, somehow, puts you face to face with yourself in a way very few actually have the balls to do in any helping profession…because in order to acomplish this, you gotta first come face to face with yourself and “overcome’ the realization and humilation it produces. No details needed on this, as we all have our own unique views of ‘face a face’, but after that, there’s a main underlying thread that pops up, down, around &around and everywhere that is no longer unavoidable. 2.5 years in & outta there, and up till now, his teachings are with me everywhere I go…and getting stronger on a momentary basis. It’s taken me way fuckin beyond where is still a mystery, and I’m actually at a loss of words here, cuz it’s a matter of experiencing it that contributes to the understanding of it…in short, were all fuckin menatl and were not, we all have “cognitive” disabilities and we don’t, and we all have unused potential that seems endless..because we fuckin let it remain unused. Were all hippocrites, & personally, it’s comingdown to what kind of hippocrite I am, which is stop pretending that the world has done me wrong and owes me, it owes me shit…which is actually what keeps me strong, it’s the way the world is, continous “issues”, abuse of powers by those in postions to make effective changes, indifferent, selfish, greedy and delusional professionals that ignore or “selectively” act as if they forgot the reasons they originally chose whatever helping profession they embarked on. This isn’t even a matter of disrepect or hatred aimed at anyone…..i’ve always been blunt, I call it like I see it…& it always get thrown back at me as if I, a 27 yr old single mom has created all there denials and that I’m insane, stressed, overtired, and not in the position of questioning those in a postion of power as to their words or actions…and now, finally, after all this time, all these struggles, all my viewing’s of “inequalities” & mistreatment of pretty much everything, I’m fuckin seeing the oppurtunities that all this absurdity and b.S is offerring me. like i said, it’s a matter of what kind of hippocrite I choose to be, and since the 2-sidededness of lunacy appears unavoidable, & the making a living off the world’s misery is the only option…(evidently)…Than I’ll glady, without any more guilt, take full advantage of it and use it in it’s proper context, which is becoming clearer that it’s not to be used in half assed, half hearted and “selfish” intentions that work in keeping people limited and feeling useless. and that’s where this all becomes the toughest and saddest part, because no matter what, people get hurt…especially when the tables are turned and you see shit for what it really is, you give back what people don’t even hear themselves asking for and it’s the only way….that works. To beat the unbeatable odds, to continue on and work hard when it feels like everything and everyone is here to annoy the fuck outta you, hold you down & keep you limited, unaccepting of new ways and the diversity of life as individuals, when the same systems of functioning that doesn’t work is used by the powerful/greater majority and when it feels like no one gives a fuck, well that’s what I calls balls, to stand up, regardless of humiliation, hidden, but intentional verbal abuse…aimed at feeling superior to make up for their weaknesses they can’t face and be like, keep laughing and sublimally sending me messages of how dumb and illogical i am all you want muthafuckers….cuz, although i’m still learning, I’m tough, and been through some fucked up shit that never ceases to leave me alone, and I’m still getting up each morning at 5 am to fufill duties that take more than what 1 women has been “statistically” proven to handle…you know, taking into consideration, my numerous mental illnesses, emotional instabilities, my inadequasies, my cognitive disabilities…and all my behaviors that I’ve always been told would never change. Funny, perhaps my ”illogical” ways of thinking and my overactive “imagination”  has gotten in the way of proper “reasoning”……Fuck You!!! ..but hey, thanx as well..

if this is what stupidity is…then wow, it’s astoundingly refreshing!!!