Unstructured Chaos

I’m all excited about this new blog and have so many ideas I wanna write down..then i sit down at the p.c..and uh…blank…it’s like I’ve written down tons of material and already dialogued it all in my head. That’s very strange, but I like the continous dialogue that goes on, my God..I think I’m starting to really like life..my life, even though it seems to have the ability of kickin my ass at lighting speed. It’s fun actually. I’m not always laughing and it’s not always jokes….but yeah…I’ve had the oppurtunity to “observe” and see another side of life that doesn’t seem to be the norm and it’s what keeps me from not going comepletely insane…the kind of insane where your not functional that is. Yeah, life is fasinating and there’s evidently no end to the ”chaos”.

That’s what I wanted to jot down….now i remember..I woke up this morning and when it dawned on me that it was sunday…which has always been a blah sorta day where I get in a crappy mood out of “habit”..I said “well, great, it’s freakin sunday, time to be a unappriciative bitch”! and Bang! I started laughing and was like fuck it, it’s a great day! So yeah, all these imbedded feeling and habits can’t ever be forgotten and it’s tough as hell to overcome them, but since the past can’t be changed, I’ve realised that out of the “choices” given, I’m allowed to pretend I have freedom to do whatever I want, when really, I have a hyper 2 year old to take care of..alone, full time school, and all the other continuous curveballs life offers me every day..every moment, and I’m proud of myself. I’m in a “category” in standard society’s view as not being worth much, or an individual of great contribution….and that was what kept me down and beleiving that I had to stay at the bottom in life for so long. It still pisses me off, but I see the difference now…all kinds of obstacles are always there, no matter what we remove, overcome, “deal” with….the ocean never dries up…it’s one thing to overcome your past and rise above, and quite another when you realize that your alone and never alone at the same time…yeah, confusing, but I’m somewhat of a “loner”, don’t like big crowds, fakeass social gatherings… and when I came to like the idea of being an “outcast” and the oddball everywhere I go, I found some true friends that I’ve never even met in person, through my mp3 headphones. Sounds fucked up? so what!! I understand this, and that’s what’s important. I mean seriously, think about it, this post itself is unstructered, not properly formatted, it’s all over the place, and it actually makes a lot of sense. I would like to learn how to be better able to formulate my thoughts and experiences into something that’s more easily understood, as I have some fun, fasinating and downright fucked up, but helpful stories to share…so that’s what I’m doing with this new blog. I’m not holding anything back, the richochet of my words don’t faze me much anymore, so….”Let’s do it”!!!!!!!

All that when the issue at hand was in the 1st sentence!!! That’s what makes this oraganizing of confusion interesting.